prepare for an update!

For the amazing number of zero people that read this, there's going to be an update soon. hurray.

Yay.

I'm really starting to get my eating on track again. That's good. I've been eating more healthfully and I'm making low carb food. This is much easier than just not having the potato or the pasta part of the meal, which, in my family, means I don't eat fucking anything ever. But I'm starting to fix that. Yay.

Starting over.

I didn't keep up with this like I wanted. I'm going to try again. I need to lose weight. Not for my health. Not because I'm in very real danger of developing diabetes. I need to lose weight so I'm able to quit going crazy. I'm living at home now. A home full of normal people food. A home full of food I shouldn't eat, but do anyway because there's nothing else, and I'm hungry, damnit. I disagree with the sentiment "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". Being fat tastes pretty damn good. I need to lose weight so I can quit thinking about losing weight all the time. No, I don't need counceling. I don't need to feel good about myself. I feel just grand about other aspects of my appearance; I have some of the prettiest hair around, people would pay good money to have my smile, and I have arguably the best boobs in the greater cincinnati area. That is almost enough. Almost. It surely won't take long to get to the wieght I want. When I was in the pinnacle of dieting dicipline, I was losing a pound to a pound and a half a day. My body wants me to lose weight. My body needs me to lose weight. But I have no self control. When I'm stressed out and sad eating comforts me. But I can't stress eat. I do not have a normal metabolism. I do not have a normal endocrine system. When I figure out a way to do something else with my stress, I'll let you know. It's hard. But I have a pretty thick skin that is able to deal with all other aspects of life. I'm sure I'll get to a point when I'm able to look in the mirror naked and not want to cry. But I am positive that is not going to happen until I lose weight. Until the stretch marks on my stomach and back and everywhere go away, until I get out of plus sizes, until I'm sure people quit seeing me as a fat slob who doesn't care and is weak, I will not be completely happy.

I thought this was really good.

"A king visited its garden and discovered that its trees, shrubs and flowers were dying. The oak told him that it was dying because it could not be as tall as the pine. When the king searched for the pine, he found it fallen because it could not produce grapes like the grapevine.



The grapevine died because it could not bloom like the rose. The rose was unhappy for not being strong and solid as the oak. Then the king found a carnation blooming and fresher than ever.



The king asked to it : How is that you grow so healthful in the middle of this shady and sad garden ? The flower answered: I do not know. Perhaps it is because I always supposed that when you planted me, you wanted carnations. If you had wanted me to be an oak, you would have planted me as such. When I realized that, I told to myself: I will try to be a carnation the best way I can, and here I am, I am the most beautiful carnation in your garden."



We are this that we are.



We live fading in our own dissatisfactions, in our absurd comparisons with the others: “if I were?““if I had?" Conjugating the future which is uncertain instead of the present which is here and now, not wanting to see that the happiness is a subjective state, made by choice.



We can choose today to be happy with who we are and what we have,or to live bitter for what we do not have or cannot be.



We will only be able to bloom the day that we accept that we are what we are, that we are unique, and that nobody else can do what we came to do. The Happiness is an attitude…. not a destiny!